Monday, October 24, 2011

While(bored) read("20 CS Jokes!");

I searched "Computer Science Jokes" hoping to refresh my memory on some of the classics as well as pick up some new CS jokes. From a few different sources I found I picked 20 favorites of the two hundred or so I read. Check out the links and search to find your own favorite CS (Computer Science) jokes and post them on here! If you make me laugh I will be more than happy to put your suggestion into this list of a few my favorites. *I do not take credit for the creation of any of these jokes and in most cases the actual creator of the joke is unknown*

The Sources can be found at the end of the post.

1. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

2. Q. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A. Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

3. There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

4. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
5. Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

6. “I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…”

7. From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
8. Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

9. "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

10. Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

11. A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

12. "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
- Bjarne Stroustrup

13. The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of itscapacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.

14. If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

15. If God had intended humans to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

16. The best thing about online bingo sites is that you can play without wearing pants.
It probably is also the worst thing.

17. Another Glitch in the Call
(Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.

18. Programmers seem to lose it bit by bit.
19. Life Before The Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

20. Software Development Cycle

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
  6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  7. Users find 137 new bugs.
  8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
  13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

Don't forget to comment on this post with your funniest CS jokes and if you enjoyed the post, follow me!

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